Kidnapping Is My Business And Business Is Good
by Hihio
Summary: Everyone loves Ike, especially the girls. But what if a certain pink cutie tried to steal all that affection for himself? Edit: May not be updating soon because of all the story ideas twirling inside my mind. Not discontinued though.
1. Pink With Envy

My first fanfic!XD Hope people like it...

Thanks Nasune Amkane for giving me feedback on my ideas!

* * *

"And the winner is… Ike!"

The audience went wild as fans whooped for their favorite fighter, and some fan girls even fainted as a result of their excitement. Everyone began to furiously applaud for Ike, and flashes of what seemed like a million cameras flickered across the stage. Actually, Kirby was the only one not clapping. No, he simply pouted behind Ike, drowning in defeat and sadness.

Usually, Kirby would gladly applaud for the winner, even if he was the one losing, but Ike was the one exception. Not once did Ike ever go easy on him, not even that one time when Kirby had a tummy ache from swallowing too many of Link's bombs.

"If you're waiting for sympathy, kid, you won't get any from me."

Ike spoke a too little harshly, but his huge smirk remained.

_Why does this giant hotshot always beat me?_

Kirby's pout persisted as he stared out into the audience.

_Why is it that so many people love him? Especially the girls! I mean, Princess Peach always calls me "cute" and "innocent", and Princess Zelda even feeds me sometimes, but I doubt they would ever actually date me. And look at Ike! He's got girls going crazy for him. It's probably because he's so tall…Why do I have to be so short?!_

Ike began to confidently strut off the stage, while Kirby reluctantly followed.

-Later that day…

Kirby gloomily bounced over to his seat beside his best friend, Jigglypuff. The first time they met, they instantly became friends. Kirby had a few theories for why they were such close buddies. One was that Jigglypuff understood the annoyance Kirby felt when people underestimated him because he was so "adorable" and "innocent". Also, they were both small, round, and pink. How much more could they have in common?

Kirby didn't feel like talking to this best friend today, or eating, which was a first. He just felt like contemplating over what else made Ike look so amazing in so many people's eyes.

_He is pretty strong…_

That had to be it. Ike carried a double handed sword with just one hand, which was pretty impressive for a young man like him. In Kirby's eyes, Ike had everything. Girl, strength, looks, height, confidence…

An odd, raging flame of jealousy began to flicker inside of Kirby as he glanced over at the brutish, indigo haired boy. Ike's features were very defined and his voice was pretty deep, while Kirby was just a pink ball that couldn't even say real words. Add that to the list of things Ike had that Kirby did not.

Ike was surrounded by Marth, Link, Zelda, Sheik, and a whole crowd of others. Ike was using his charming and dashing smile on everyone as he told them some story that sounded too exaggerated to be true. Link and Marth looked very intrigued, while Zelda just stared at Ike wishfully with her mouth gaping open in enchantment. Sheik simply leaned back in his chair as he crossed his slim arms. Ike, strangely enough, didn't even so much as glance at Zelda. He probably thought she wasn't "worthy" of him.

Ike stood and over-confidently walked towards his dorm after finishing up his tale, and everyone else followed him like lost little puppies.

_That'll be me soon. I'll make sure of it._


	2. Kidnapping Is My Business

_Caution: Cannibalism... sort of._

* * *

Kirby had a set goal in mind. And he was determined to achieve it.

The pink vacuum slowly walked down the hall to the door leading outside. He pushed past the heavy metal door, with much struggle, might I add, and snuck his way over behind one of the bushes. There Ike was, chatting with Link beside the gardenias. Link was wearing his white tunic, which matched the gorgeous blossoms next to him. He was holding the Goddess Harp, while Ike played with the hilt of Ragnell. They began talking about their most recent adventures.

"Hey, who's the scariest bad guy you've ever fought?"

"Easy. Girahim. He was a total creep."

"Ha, pussy, I bet I could defeat that pervert without even a single shiver sneak up my spine."

"Trust me Ike. You wouldn't want to meet that guy…"

Kirby stalked his prey carefully, talking soft tiptoes every now and again.

"Uh, Kirby? Whatcha doing there behind that bush?"

Ike, knowing Kirby couldn't really reply, due to that fact that Kirby can't say real words, had his eye brows furrowed, and a huge grin on his face.

Link turned around to face Kirby, smiling devilishly.

"I think he was spying on us Ike!"

Kirby let out a pouty "hmpf" as he tried to cross his much-too-short-for-the-job arms.

"Kirby, get out of here, you might accidentally trip on the grass."

Link immediately bursted out laughing. With that, Ike waved Kirby off like he was the king of the world and Kirby was some peasant.

But Kirby wasn't giving up that easily. No, not now. He stomped up to Ike and grabbed his hand firmly in his…stubs. He then started dragging the heavy swordsmen to the metal door.

"Ike, what are you doing? Pull away already."

"Nah, I'm gonna go with the little sphere and see what he's acting up for."

Then, they both disappeared into the building.

-**Inside Smash Manor…**

Kirby was having an incredibly tough time dragging Ike to his dorm.

_Won't this guy at least carry a little of his own weight?_

"So where are we going pinky?"

Kirby stopped in front of his dorm and stared at Ike.

"What? Little weirdo..."

Kirby stuck his finger-less arms out towards the doorknob.

"Ooh. So you need me to open your own door? That's kind of sad pinky."

Kirby "hmpf"ed again. It _was_ upsetting that every time he wanted to enter his _own_ room, he had to ask someone nearby to open it _for_ him. All due to having no fingers. Just fat, useless stubs!

Ike twisted the doorknob, purposefully making a big deal out of wrapping all five of his fingers around it, and walked in.

"Nice place you got here. Little babyish though..."

Kirby remained behind the smart-talking blue haired man. Ike looked around to see hot pink colored walls with bright yellow stars hanging on almost every available space. His bed was complimented with numerous blankets with star patterns and fluffy cloud shaped pillows. Even the very carpet he was standing on was spotted with stars.

"Looks like someone has an obsession..."

Just as Ike was about to inspect Kirby's stuffed Waddle Dee doll collection, he felt a powerful force pulling him backwards.

And it felt just like a vacuum.

Swiftly, Kirby sucked Ike into his large mouth as his DNA started to match Ike's.

Kirby spit his victim out as the transformation began. He could feel his head beginning to sprout thick locks and his arm's stretching to a much greater length. But the best of all was when Kirby felt himself moving further and further away from the ground. Tallness, at last!

Ike simply looked up at Kirby, covered in saliva and horrified, with his mouth gaping open.

Kirby walked over to his mirror and to a look at the new "Kirby". He looked almost exactly like Ike. Oh, he couldn't wait to try out his new look.

"Well, see ya Ike!" remarked Kirby

_Whoa. It sounds weird to actually be able to speak in complete sentences._

Kirby smiled as he walked out the door making sure to lock it so that no one could get in. Or out.

**-In the Hallway...**

Kirby was bombarded with what seemed like a paparazzi, immediately after he stepped foot in the hallway.

Marth was the first to come pulling on his arm.

"Hi Ike! You ready to train with me?!"

Link shoved Marth out of the way and wrapped his arm around Ike's biceps.

"No! Ike's going _shopping _with _me_!"

Zelda peeled Link's arms off of Ike's upper arm and replaced them with hers.

"He's not doing _anything_ with _any_ of you guys because he's going to too busy browsing for tiara's with _me_!"

Marth, Link, and Zelda all began to engage in an all out cat fight, while Kirby simply stood back and enjoyed the show.

_Wow. It sure is good to be me._

Kirby walked down the hall coolly with his hands in his pockets and a sly grin on his face, while his three fans were still occupied in their cat fight.


	3. Growing Suspicions

_Okay so i just wanted to say that in this story, Jigglypuff is a boy. I just thought that it'd make more sense if Kirby was BFF's with another boy instead of a girl. I think in real life Jigglypuff is supposed to be a girl... oh well._

* * *

Kirby was ready to fight. He couldn't wait to use his newly claimed strength on his opponents. He casually strode down the corridor, heading for the stadium. The stadium was a huge coliseum styled structure with monumental, iron gates. The inside of the stadium could transform itself into multiple, different stages, like a multi-purpose room. As Kirby began to push the colossal doors, he noticed a small outburst of chatter beside the gates.

"Has anyone seen Kirby?"

"Where has he gone?"

"I haven't seen him since this morning!"

"Oh, I hope the little guys alright…"

Kirby walked over to the crowd, trying to look and sound as convincing as possible. He needed to make sure no one got any suspicions.

"Yeah, Kirby told me he was sick so he's locked up in his dorm. He doesn't want anyone going up there to visit him so…"

_Oh, this doesn't sound believable at all! _

"Wait Ike, what were you doing talking to Kirby? Didn't you say once that you were 'too cool' for him?" Pit crossed his arms, skeptical.

Kirby, growing nervous, began to scratch his head.

"Oh, um… we've been hanging out a lot lately and he's started to grow on me, I guess."

Well, it was true. Just that instead of Ike "hanging out" with Kirby, he's been forced against his will to stay in Kirby's dorm and Kirby just happened to be the only one he could talk to.

The crowd mumbled in reassurance, although Kirby did hear something he recognized as doubt, as they started to clear out.

Kirby pushed the door open, once again, and looked around the great arena, as if it was a totally different building than the one he had fought in just the day before.

"_Alright." _Kirby thought, "_Time to fight!"_

Kirby looked over to see a lone pink creature sitting in the corner of the stadium, eating out of a tub of popcorn. The round Pokémon didn't seem to mind sitting by himself. In fact, he looked like he was rather excited to watch today's brawl.

_Oh. Poor Jigglypuff. I left him all alone. At least he doesn't seem terribly miserable._

Kirby's thoughts were interrupted by a startling blare from the intercom.

"Will the following fighters please make their way to the stadium:Pit, Fox, Ike and Ganondorf. Get ready to brawl!" The sound of the announcers bellowing voice rung in his ears.

Kirby shook himself.

_Focus Kirby! You've got a match to win._

Kirby gave himself a quick pep-talk, straighten up his hair, which wasn't really even his, and strutted into Final Destination.

* * *

"Crap."

The real Ike threw the CD to the side. It landed on the pile of disregarded CD's that Ike had also decided was crap.

"Man, how does Kirby listen to this stuff? Every single one of these records is just of a high pitch girl singing words I can't even understand!"

Ike put in a new CD, in hopes that this one might actually be good. He could hear the disc spinning inside Kirby's _Dream Land_ themed jukebox. _"Hirari, Hirari, Hirari..." _the computer generated girl on the disc sang.

"Hmm... at least this one sounds _good_."

Ike, starting to notice his empty stomach, got up and walked over to the refrigerator and opened it.

"Whooaaa..."

Kirby's sleek, stainless fridge was stocked with hundreds of delicious delights. Everything from pineapples, to sugar-cured ham, to fancy grape juice sat on the clean shelves of the fridge. The mahogany cabinets were overflowing with chocolate covered pretzels, expensive gummy bears, and a huge jar of Nutella, which Kirby usually ate directly out of the container.

It all looked so tempting to Ike. Unable to resist the taunting delicacies, he quickly began to stuff himself.

* * *

Kirby walked to his dorm, proud and victorious. He had beaten Pit, Fox, and Ganondorf with no problem. Although, when he and Ganondorf made it to sudden death, he almost made himself fall off the edge of the platform...

_"Tonight, I will cook a dinner fit for a king! Or I could just make Ike cook for me..." _Kirby was so giddy, he almost tripped while skipping childishly to his door.

_"Ha. Don't need anybody opening my own door for me now!" _Kirby thought as he twisted the knob. It felt so good to feel the cold metal knob against his fingers. Gosh, it felt good to have _fingers_!"

Kirby push door open little did he know what would be waiting for him.

"Ike! What happened!?"

His dorm was a complete mess. All his CD's were sprawled out on the floor and his refrigerator door was still open and swinging, like it was some type of crime scene.

"It's called hunger Kirby. I'm sure you've experienced it."

Kirby looked down at all of his discs. _"Hirari, Hirari" _was still playing in the jukebox.

"What happened to my music?!"

"Oh, I got bored and was looking for some tunes to listen to. Couldn't anything good though.'Cept for this one. You should really consider going music shopping sometime soon."

"Yeah. Will do."

Kirby sighed in frustration as he flopped into his bed. And because of his height change, it was WAY too small.

**-The Next Day**...

Kirby walked triumphantly out of the stadium. He had, yet again, defeated _another_ set of brawlers.

_Link didn't even know what hit him! And Marth might as well have just jumped off the platform himself!_

As Kirby was in the middle of replaying his victory in his head, he noticed Jigglypuff, sniffling on the floor of the hallway. His mood greatly contradicted what is was when Kirby caught a glimpse of him earlier that day.

"W-whats wrong Jiggly?"

Kirby asked the question like he didn't already know. Jigglypuff had been friendless for two days now, and his misery was all Kirby's fault.

"Kirby's been gone for so long... I hope he's okay, but I just wish he'd at least let me come and visit him! I mean, were supposed to be best friends, but what kind of 'best friend' won't even let me see them? It's just not fair..."

Kirby's eyes began to overflow. He couldn't stand to see the person who he could tell anything to wallow in so much sorrow. What kind of friend was he to let this best friend suffer like this?

"I'm sure he'll get better soon Jiggly. Just please, don't cry for me."

"You?" Jigglypuff looked up at Kirby, confused.

"Oh. I meant Kirby."

Kirby walked Jigglypuff to his dorm.

"You get some rest, okay?"

"Okay, Ike."

Jigglypuff then gently closed the door behind him.

Kirby started for the elevator doors. Before he went back to his dorm, he had to make a quick trip to the store.

* * *

By the time Kirby got back to Smash Manor it was nearly midnight. It had taken him so long to walk to the store and back. Kirby, not knowing how to drive, couldn't use Ike's vehicle, and he couldn't take a taxi back because none of them were still out during this time of night. Kirby tiptoed up to the door. Quietly, he placed a stuffed Kirby doll right in front of it. He knocked softly, being considerate of the brawlers who might've already gone to bed. Then he hid behind a corner of a wall at the end of the hall that intersected with another. Jigglypuff opened the door and saw the pink toy. Slowly he picked it up, and he looked down both paths of the hallway. As a small smile crept over Jigglypuff's face, he gingerly shut the door.

Kirby started to smile too.

Kirby opened the door and threw a bag in Ike's direction.

"Here."

Ike rose from the sofa and picked up the plastic bag. It was filled with CD's.

**-The Next Day... **

Ike listened to numerous rock albums all day. One-X and Meteora was his favorites. As he bobbed his head to the heavy beats and angsty guitar chords, he wondered how Kirby was handling his life. Ike's life. Since Kirby _was_ in his body, Ike wondered if the pink shape-shifter was making a fool of the blue haired hero. What if Kirby was ruining Ike's life? The swordsman wondered if Kirby and Link were getting along... Oh no. There was one thing Kirby didn't know about Ike, and that secret could _really_ ruin it for Ike...

* * *

_Okay, people don't be mad at me about the stuff i made Ike say about Japanese music! I personally like Japanese music! Especially "Hirari, Hirari" sung by vocaloid Hatsune Miku_._ I just thought that that would be the type of music most fitting for Kirby to listen to, and I thought it would be the type of music that Ike would hate. Oh yeah, and I love Link. Okay people the next chapter will have some homosexual hinting and such but nothing really happens that's why I rated it T for Teen and not M for Mature because i don't write about explicit stuff like that:P Yeah so if your against that kind of stuff, beware, and don't read the next chapter  
_


	4. Extraordinary Measures

_Caution: Homosexual hinting, just a little._

* * *

Kirby contently twisted the doorknob to his dorm.

Inside, Ike was casually sitting on the couch, watching television. Two monstrous, sweaty men with excruciatingly tight shorts appeared on the screen. Both attempted to grab one another and pin each other to the ground. Kirby couldn't even stand looking at it.

"Hey pinky! Have a fun day being me? Of course you did! Being me _is _pretty amazing..."

Kirby was taken aback by Ike's surprisingly joyful response. The swordsman had been holed up in this dorm for nearly a week, and he still hadn't even attempted to escape the pink prison.

"Hey, Ike?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, you've been trapped in here for a while now, haven't you?"

"That is correct, and its all thanks to you," Ike retorted sarcastically.

"Um, yeah, sorry. Anyway, why haven't you, you know, t-tried to leave?"

Ike got up from his spot on the cotton candy colored couch and walked toward the fridge. He looked inside, and retrieved a leg of lamb.

"Well Kirby, as much as I hate to admit it, it feels good to be able to get away from all that ruckus. You know, take a break from all my fans. Plus, your place has lots of good food."

Ike commenced devouring the lamb.

"_Really_ good food," Ike said with a mouth full of meat.

_Knock Knock_

Surprised, Ike choked on the chunk of food in his mouth. After recovering, he dropped the leg of lamb on the tiled kitchen floor and took cover behind the curtains.

"Whatever you do, do not let them see me."

Kirby walked over to the door and opened it just enough so that only his face could be seen through the opening in the door. On the other side stood Link, clad in his gold tunic and brown, scuffed up leather boots.

"Hey there Ike! Wanna come over to my dorm and play some video games?"

Kirby was reluctant to say yes. If he agreed, then Link might discover that he's been masquerading as Ike this whole time. Nervously, he answered.

"Um, sorry Link. Maybe some other time, just not today, okay?"

Link crossed his arms as he put on a pout.

"No fair! Please Ike? It'll be fun!"

"I-I don't kno-"

Link grabbed Kirby's arm and jerked him out of the room. Laughing, Link pulled him down the hall.

* * *

The inside of Link's room almost seemed as though it could've been fit for a king. His walls were emerald green with a triangle painted on each one of them. He had black, shaggy carpet and a gold ceiling. His bed was gold with a triforce head post. Against the wall was a fair sized television and a gold-colored couch in front of it.

The room was dimly lit, and a lone, scented candle burned away on the television stand that filled the room with a peppermint fragrance.

"Whoa! Your place looks really nice Link! Very...regal! And it smells really good!"

Link giggled.

"Thanks."

Link took Kirby's hand, once again, and lead him towards the couch. Link let go and sat down, then patted the spot beside him with his hand.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Kirby tentatively sat down on the soft, delicate couch.

Link leaned into Kirby and let his lips touch his.

Kirby was in shock. For a moment, he remained still, just sitting there, his heart beginning to beat faster and faster. Then, he jerked himself away and pushed himself off the couch.

"Ike..."

Kirby didn't let him finish. Totally confused, Kirby raced out of the door and into the hallway.


	5. Midnight Mayhem!

This was fun to writeXD

* * *

Sheik folded his arms and crossed his legs as he sat on the princesses bed.

"So what do you think? Pink dress, or purple dress?" In her hand, she held a lace halter knitted with cloth the color of blush. In the other, there was a strapless dress made of a glossy purple material. There was no denying that the formal ware was classy, but still, Sheik scoffed in annoyance.

"Uh, is there a difference?"

Zelda rolled her eyes and laid the clothing on her dresser (which, as prissy as it seems, she had imported from her castle).  
Tonight was the Midnight Carnival, which meant all the brawlers were invited to enjoy festivities set up behind the mansion. Usually the activities would be too corny for some of the brawlers tastes, so a group consisting of Zelda, Sheik, Ike, Marth, and Link decided that stirring up some fun-loving mischief would be much more entertaining.

"C'mon Sheik! This is serious. Ike and all the others are going to be there so I need to look fabulous unless everyone's gonna laugh at me!"

Zelda pouted as she flopped down beside her friend. When he showed no sign of sympathy, she playfully pulled off the white scarf that hid most of his features.

"You should really take this off for the carnival. For once, you should wear something attractive. Like..."

She thought for a moment, an idea coiling in her head, until it hit her.

"C'mon Sheik! We're gonna take a quick trip to Marth's closet!"

Eagerly, the princess grabbed the man's elbow and dragged him out the door.

**_-In Kirby's Dorm..._**

"Eleven o' two."

That's what Ike saw when he took a look at the clock. Just behind the bright pink curtains of Kirby's room were the distinct shadows of night. Where had Kirby gone, and why was he out so late? Ike arose from his spot on the fluffy couch, and paused. The door that led to the hallway stood only a few feet away, and the doorknob shined temptingly. That golden knob...would it yield if he twisted it?

_No, Kirby's not _that_ stupid..._

Still, going against what his mind told him, Ike moved towards the only thing standing between him, and freedom. Cautiously, he laid a hand on the cold handle, and slowly twisted it. An alarming clack of the door hinges and gears rang throughout the room, and much to Ike's surprise, the sturdy door opened up to the hallway with a satisfying click.

"Oh, Kirby. Leaving the door to your captives room unlocked wasn't a very wise choice."

And with that, a smirking Ike slipped out without sound.

**_-Later that night..._**

Kirby ran down the hall as if his life depended on it. Well, maybe not his _life_, but there was a consequence to falling prey to his pursuer. Link was chasing him, and catching up gradually.

"Ike! Hold on a second! I-I'm sorry! Come back!"

Kirby threw back an incredulous look.

"And why would I?!"

Link stopped.

"Well...I don't want things to be weird between us."

Kirby slowed and turned. Both of them were out of breath, but Kirby was keen on Link's movements and would be ready to start back running if the situation called for it.

"Um, now isn't really the best time."

Kirby was ready for Ike to take over from here, he just needed to make it back to his dorm first.

_Lets see...I'm in the west wing now, and my room is in the south wing. So if I make a break for it..._

"Ike, just come to the Midnight Carnival with me and the others. We'll have lots of fun."

The pink imposter began to back away slowly, wanting to get away before his cover was blown. First, Link had kissed him, and now he was being chased down the halls of Smash Manor. This was all becoming too much to process for one night.

"You know, I'm not really feeling up to it, but thanks anyway." Kirby pivoted and began fleeing towards his room.

"IIIIIIkkkke!" Link started his chase once more.

**_-Meanwhile..._**

Random articles of clothing flew past Zelda and Sheik's face as they waited. Cloaks, jeans and boots came airborne from the closet and a stray tiara suddenly struck Sheik in the eye.

"Ow!"

Zelda disregarded the instance and shouted towards the closet.

"Um, Marth? Have you found anything yet?"

Suddenly, a beaming prince emerged with a pair of black jeans and a crimson button down shirt. Draped around his neck was a black bow-tie.

"Here ya go! This'll be a much needed change from your usual attire."

Sheik ignored the insult and eyed the bowtie skeptically.

"These are commoners clothes."

"Ah, but they're in style."

Zelda swiftly pinned the tribal young man onto the ground and smirked.

"Okay, Skeik. Now all you have to do is tell us how to take off your clothes so we can dress you in these new ones."

Marth popped up behind her with a devious look on his face.

"And don't try to put up a fight because that'll only make this take longer."

So, Sheik did what he felt would be most appropriate for a situation like this.

"Rape! Rape! Heeeeellllpppp!"

**_-In The Hallway..._**

_Thump-thump-thump_ went Kirby's raging heart. He had to admit, the Hylian behind him had quite the endurance. He had been chasing him for quite some time and it was taking its toll.

"Sheik! Wait!"

Princess Zelda's voice shot down the corridor as they turned a bend. Kirby looked over his shoulder, where he saw Link doing the same. Behind them was a half dressed Sheik who seemed to be running from the Marth and the princess.

"No-freakin'-way, you perverts!"

_What the-?_

Kirby's thoughts were interrupted when he collided with something in front of him. He collapsed on something soft-a person maybe?- and winced in pain. Everything after that pretty much went down like a train wreck. Zelda tripped on Marth, who brought down Sheik, who landed on Link, who fell on Kirby, who groaned in discomfort, and was crushed by them all.

The body under him spoke.

"Watch where you going next time idiot."

Was that...Ike's voice?

The now crumpled mound of bodies drew their attention to the voice. All of them shrieked at once.

"TWO IKE'S?!"

Kirby blanched, and thought of something quickly.

"Uh...we're twins?"


End file.
